(Originally written 04.01.12)
I could start this post by pulling an April Fool's prank along the lines of: I'm all better - woke up and Bell's had packed his nasty little bags and left! But, that just wouldn't be right to my emotional state or to those reading this. With that said, I truly hope no one pulls any pranks on me because I'm just not in the mood.
So, here's something I noticed the other day that I failed to mention as my post was already long winded. I went to visit what might as well be considered my mother in law and she actually greeted me at the door by contorting her face and saying in a slurred voice, "Hello!". I showed no real reaction to this even though it cut deep. She then made a comment to her son as we were getting in the car, "She looks like…ha,ha!". I couldn't discern exactly what was said. This too hurt. I asked him what she said and he refused to fill in the blank. I made mention to him that it bothered me that she would say that or that she would greet me the way she did. I asked him not to make an ordeal of it…but, he felt compelled to bring the inappropriateness of her actions to her attention. She then responded to his addressing the situation by saying I just won't say anything at all or something along those lines. What a selfish thing to say. I'm not asking her to avoid me or ignore me. I'm asking that she be supportive of me during this troubling time. She went on to claim that she was just trying to make me laugh. I hardly think making fun of the issues someone is obviously insecure about it going to make them feel any better about it. She later text me apologizing, and I explained that I realize that she meant no harm. However, it's difficult enough for me to look in the mirror and gather the courage to go out in public. The last thing I want to encounter is a reminder of it when I'm trying to ignore it or move past it. She understood - or so I believe she did.
The very thing that burdens me about this situation is the exact thing I was rather insensitive about or unaware of before. Looking at people who look different or trying to figure out what is "off". When I go out people either stare or those I am close to no longer make eye contact with me. It's obviously uncomfortable for others which in turn makes me ever aware of my condition. I pray that things get better.
I've read online very comforting and realistic words reminding me of how things could be worse. They most definitely could. I am a lot more empathetic now and wish I could say I was much more sympathetic to those suffering afflictions prior to my ordeal. Yes, things could be much worse. I think that it's important to realize that we cannot and should not discredit the way we feel about Bell's palsy. Let's be serious…this world is a very aesthetically driven one. People focus on the beauty of it all. Statistics show people are more apt to want to purchase products from beautiful people and babies favor pretty people….yadda, yadda. It is what it is. With Bell's Palsy we feel as if we have been robbed of something and essentially we have. We woke up one day to have our image, our reflection stolen. The face we have grown to know over the years is gone and the reflection we see is now that of a stranger. We now either associate our image, or those around us do, to Popeye the Sailor Man, Sloth from the Goonies or the infamous Two-Face from Batman. One person even told me I remind them of the scene from Mission Impossible involving Tom Cruise stabbing himself in the neck with a needle causing paralysis. I take all of these comments in stride as I know people have to talk about the things that make them uncomfortable. Truth be told though…it's tough! I truly hope this doesn't last forever and that I'm not inflicted with any permanent disfigurement. That same prayer goes out to others suffering this condition. I know that not all of us will have our prayer answered and that breaks my heart. In fact, it scares me to death.
As cruddy as this sounds...I think that we deserve a moment to waller in pity for ourselves. Moments of strength usually come from moments of weakness. It's easy for people to tell us to get over it, it's not terminal, it's not the end of the world. That's easy for them to say when they are not coping with it. So many things are easier said than done and this is just one of those things. Yes, I do feel blessed that things aren't worse. Yes, I do pray that I get better, get better fast and have no long lasting issues. Yes, I do think it's okay to think both ways. It's only natural.
As for today's changes…I cannot tell if I'm trying to get movement back or if my mind is playing tricks on me. So, I have to report no change as the pictures appear the same to me. I start the first reduced dose of my Prednisone today. The one thing that scares me about the Prednisone prescription I have is the fact that they gave me a significantly reduced strength due to my pregnancy. This scares me because all of the research I have done indicates that the pills do not cross the placenta and that the same course of care is suggested for pregnant and non-pregnant cases. Most importantly I am concerned about the baby…don't get me wrong. It's just scary when you compare the statistics of those treated with Prednisone and those that aren't. Is this enough? Blah, statistics, schmatistics.
-Belle Story
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