Bell's Palsy - Month 8

So, I've finally mustered the courage to post my YouTube videos! There's something refreshing about plastering "bedhead" videos on the Internet for the world to see.

The good news is my physical and emotional condition have significantly improved. There's nothing like regaining more and more movement each day! As a wise man once told me, "you really have to feel bad to appreciate feeling good"; and "it takes feeling good, after feeling bad, to know how bad you really felt".

I felt really bad, for a really long time. Seven months to be exact! I can finally look at myself in the mirror without cringing!

-Belle

Bell's Palsy - Day 66

(Originally written 05.31.12)

So, today makes 9 weeks and 3 days with stinkin' Bell's!  Unfortunately, still no movement.  The good news is baby Baylor has made her arrival and she makes me so very happy.  She's so perfect.  I thank God that she is a happy and healthy baby!  At this point, I'm trying not to get discouraged.  There was that part of me that was hoping I'd wake up the day after giving birth and have full movement of my face again.  That obviously didn't happen.  I'm waiting for the day that I see some change.  I pray that I see change.  Movement. 

I'm hanging in there.  By a thread...but still hanging.

-Belle Story 

Bell's Palsy - Day 44

(Originally written 05.09.12)

The verdict is in.  This "straining" like sound I've been hearing upon attempting any type of facial movement and the feeling of "fullness" in my ear are, in fact, not a sign of recovery at all. 

B - U - M - M - E - R!

  

Actually, massive BUMMER!!

Come to find out the muscles on the other side of my ear (the internal side) are likely paralyzed as well.  Rendering them useless for draining fluid from the middle ear.  Therefore, the feeling of fullness or feeling as if I have water in my ear is because I do have fluid in my middle ear.  Ack!  Frustration ensues.

The options are scarce.  Pretty much wait and see - OR - wait and see.  I guess that's really only one option.  Why only one?  Pregnancy.  There isn't much they will do until after the baby is born.  One month after the baby is born to be exact.  So, if I do not get any signs of improvement in terms of this fluid buildup in my ear by then the only suggested course of care is the placement of a tube in my ear.  

Yep, a tube in my ear.

During this same visit my doctor finally took the time (on his own accord) to grade my paralysis on the House-Brackmann scale.  It broke my heart each time I heard him say, "yep, no movement", "none", "nothing".  The biggest blow was when I heard him confirm what I already knew.  "You're a VI".  He also finally acknowledged the poor prognosis although it was as if he were walking on egg shells.  I cannot blame him considering I likely looked as if I could burst into tears at any moment.  He acknowledged the poor prognosis for pregnant individuals with Bell's and those with complete paralysis.  Could someone pick my heart off the floor and help me glue it back together?  Sometimes hearing what you already know isn't at all what you wanted even though you thought you did!  Does that make sense?

Here I sit wondering, "What's next?"  A fear comes over me for thinking that as these days it's almost like an open invitation for more to go wrong.  I called my mother last night and unleashed an emotional breakdown of epic proportions.  Bless her heart!  I really don't know what I'd do without her.  Sometimes you just have to vent;  especially after 6 weeks of trying to remain sickeningly positive and having absolutely NO signs of improvement.  My patience for those who say "Oh, you are looking better and better each time I see you" is becoming less and less.  That bothers me because I've never been such a "Negative Nelly".  It's just all the more discouraging when you hear that then you run home to take pictures/videos to compare with the onset photos and NOTHING has changed.  Perhaps it is as my new friend, Heather, explained.  Maybe, just maybe they are noticing me and not the "woe is me" attitude.  Then I think to myself do I really come across as that positive, still? Everything at this point is a blur.

I wonder at times if deliverying the baby earlier would aid in recovery.  Not that I would want to put her at risk at all, but I understandat 37 weeks they are considered to be fully developed.  Then, I read...that the brain at 37 weeks is only 80% of the size it would be at 40 weeks and I automatically feel like selfish, cruddy parent for even humoring the idea.

I also find myself becoming overly paranoid about many other things as well.  Particularly the well-being of my child.  Thinking okay, that may be the case with the brain, but what if pre-eclampsia sets in.  What about all these cases of still-born angel babies who mysteriously travel to the Lord instead of your arms.  What about my Nutcracker syndrome causing a clot in the placenta and blocking blood flow and oxygen to my precious baby girl.  What if?!?  Why aren't my doctors concerned?  Probably, because it is...paranoia.  A feeling that is so hard to shake when it feels as if everything that could go wrong does.  Darn Murphy's Law.  

My ankles don't fully shrink to their normal size during the night anymore.  Even with elevation.  By 9:30a I have ankles that put a 500lb person's to shame.  At the end of the day my toes look like vienna sausages just pulled from the can.  My fingers feel tight and swollen.  I don't wear rings now so the only way I can gauge is by the way my knuckles look and how they feel.  Particularly when I try to curl them up into a fist.  

I've felt blah lately.  Unwell, but hard to pinpoint.  Faint nausea and feeling as if my head is in the clouds all day.  Concentration is harder than it's ever been.  Every now and then I see these "golden gnats" as I like to call them.  Sporatic at best.  I get these odd pains in my abdomen - not like craps, which is what I'd suspect contractions to be like.  That's not what I meant.  I meant "cramps" - but, I'm leaving "craps" there for the sake of a good laugh! Who am I to say - this is my first pregnancy and again, I'm paranoid.

Again, I bring these concerns to my doctors attention and they don't seem to be concerned at all.  They seem to base everything on blood pressure.  Which it is important to note that if they actually read my record and my pre-pregnancy blood pressure notations they would know that it and my pulse have always been so low that it almost calls for meds to drive it up.  Makes me a great markswoman and them not very observant.

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that my OB does not seem remotely concerned about my Nutcracker Syndrome and the vascular issues it causes.  I KNOW she knows nothing about it seeing as how the condition is so incredibly rare.  Should I not be considered high risk due to this alone?  Not according to her...because well...I guess she just doesn't care enough to pick up a text book and read about it.  I say that in all respect.  I'm venting here and I feel that my concerns are just being written off as just another overly concerned pregnant woman.  

To be frank, I'm tired of feeling like crap, getting nothing but bad news and being disregarded.  it's frustrating!  

I'm ready to be well again.  I'm ready to have a fully functioning face.  Enjoy this pregnancy and my baby.  Enjoy life in general again.

Ugh.

-Belle Story

Bell's Palsy - Day 41

(Originally written 05.06.12)

I cannot say great things about my emotional state today.  It took an abrupt turn for the worst this morning.  Early. Morning.  I spent the day yesterday completing the nursery.  It was tiresome yet rewarding.  I'm pleased with the outcome; however, the realization that I have to take pictures in this nursery later today is tearing me apart.  I feel so selfish and vain for not wanting to do this!  On the other hand, I'm fearful I will regret it later if I don't - I have very few pictures to chronicle this special time.  So, here I sit with eyes welling up and tears running down my face.  I'm exhausted...emotionally.  Praying for a change for the better.  

I'm so stinking confused, burdened, tired, lonely.  I'm sick of Bell's.  Why won't it go away?  Why can't I have some small sign of recovery?  Am I destined to be afflicted by this "full force" forever?   When is my break?  At what point does this two year stint of "crap slinging" at me from every direction end?  At what point may I drop the positive attitude facade I should receive an Emmy for?  I'm not usually so woe is me.  But, you know what...this sucks...no matter how you slice it.  I am ready for a change already!  Blech. Blah. Bah Humbug.

-Belle Story

My "Bell's Phrase of Hope"...

I make a video once a week saying the same phrase to better track changes in my condition.  I chose this bible verse...

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

-Belle Story

Bell's Palsy - Day 34

(Originally written 04.29.12)

So, it was day 7 that I started vloging instead of keeping a consistent written diary.  I liked the idea that vloging allowed me to see subtle behavioral changes.  Particularly, how my mouth moves when I talk or the extent to which my face pulls towards the healthy side.  I have to admit I look "rough" in these videos.  Getting spiffied up just isn't high on my to do list these days.  Ha!  I dread getting anything in my "slow" eye!  Sorry, my self diagnosed ADHD has me wavering from the actual subject matter of this entry.  My initial intent was to document my journey on a day by day basis either via written logs or video logs.  I quickly determined that to be too exhaustive and a little unhealthy in all honesty.  I began to feel as if I was letting the "Bell's" take hold of my life.  You just cannot do that if you are going to retain your sanity.  Mining for the smallest change on a daily basis became depressing.  My changes have been so subtle or nominal it cannot be seen with the unaided eye.  By unaided eye...I really mean...period.  To date I have had no change in terms of voluntary movement.  Ack! 

I decided it was much healthier to update on a weekly basis.  I've held pretty true to that.  This also allows for the possibility of more change for comparisons.  I haven't created a YouTube account, yet.  That day will come.

I've also decided that I'll choose my medium based on how I feel for the most part.  Like today I got the urge to write a bit...so, I'm doing that until my lil' pea-picking heart is content.  

As of late, I wonder when my luck will change.  I even went so far to buy a Mega Millions ticket a few weeks ago - it was a formidable attempt that gained me nothing more than a worthless piece of paper.  See I figured with the chances of me getting Bell's and having Nutcracker Syndrome...I should win the lottery easily.  My brother quickly informed me, "Sis, you don't have the right kind of luck!"  He was right...for now.  My luck is gonna change!

Just not yet...

You see Thursday morning I rose ealy to work a little and send off some e-mails before starting my day of "therapy" appointments.  I noticed my foot had fallen slightly asleep, but didn't think much of it.  When I arose from the chair I was sitting in I made a conscious effort to move slowly because of this foot issue.  I got up just fine, but then I went to make that first step to the side and that dern foot just wasn't willing to comply.  The leg moved the foot didn't subsequently leading to me stepping down on the ankle and feeling my entire body start to fall to the right.  My first reaction was to hop upward to realign myself; when I did I just came down harder on that foot and ankle that was rolled inward and I immediately fell to my tush.  I heard all kinds of loud cracks and pops and boy did it ever hurt. I was glad I didn't fall on my belly and hurt the baby!  I went to the doctor for x-rays and thank goodness it wasn't broken, just sprained.  Could you imagine me in a cast with Bell's Palsy giving birth in 4 weeks? So, so sad.  He said he would normally put an individual with a sprain like this in a boot; however, he felt that to be unwise in my case.  I agreed.  

The icing on my cake is the fact that I have 4 or 5 little stretch marks developing.  I thought I just might be lucky and make it through this pregnancy (my first) unscathed...especially considering everything else I've had to deal with.  I was wrong.  Again, the icing on the cake.  Nominal...but...geez..  I think I've satiated that craving for writing for now.  Hope I don't bore you guys too badly with my jibber jabber.

-Belle Story

Bell's Palsy - Day 6

(Originally written 04.01.12)

I could start this post by pulling an April Fool's prank along the lines of:  I'm all better - woke up and Bell's had packed his nasty little bags and left! But, that just wouldn't be right to my emotional state or to those reading this.  With that said, I truly hope no one pulls any pranks on me because I'm just not in the mood. 

So, here's something I noticed the other day that I failed to mention as my post was already long winded.  I went to visit what might as well be considered my mother in law and she actually greeted me at the door by contorting her face and saying in a slurred voice, "Hello!".  I showed no real reaction to this even though it cut deep.  She then made a comment to her son as we were getting in the car, "She looks like…ha,ha!".  I couldn't discern exactly what was said.  This too hurt.  I asked him what she said and he refused to fill in the blank.  I made mention to him that it bothered me that she would say that or that she would greet me the way she did.  I asked him not to make an ordeal of it…but, he felt compelled to bring the inappropriateness of her actions to her attention.  She then responded to his addressing the situation by saying I just won't say anything at all or something along those lines.  What a selfish thing to say.  I'm not asking her to avoid me or ignore me.  I'm asking that she be supportive of me during this troubling time.  She went on to claim that she was just trying to make me laugh.  I hardly think making fun of the issues someone is obviously insecure about it going to make them feel any better about it.  She later text me apologizing, and I explained that I realize that she meant no harm.  However, it's difficult enough for me to look in the mirror and gather the courage to go out in public.  The last thing I want to encounter is a reminder of it when I'm trying to ignore it or move past it.  She understood - or so I believe she did.  

The very thing that burdens me about this situation is the exact thing I was rather insensitive about or unaware of before.  Looking at people who look different or trying to figure out what is "off".  When I go out people either stare or those I am close to no longer make eye contact with me.  It's obviously uncomfortable for others which in turn makes me ever aware of my condition.  I pray that things get better.  

I've read online very comforting and realistic words reminding me of how things could be worse.  They most definitely could.  I am a lot more empathetic now and wish I could say I was much more sympathetic to those suffering afflictions prior to my ordeal.  Yes, things could be much worse.  I think that it's important to realize that we cannot and should not discredit the way we feel about Bell's palsy.  Let's be serious…this world is a very aesthetically driven one.  People focus on the beauty of it all.  Statistics show people are more apt to want to purchase products from beautiful people and babies favor pretty people….yadda, yadda.  It is what it is.  With Bell's Palsy we feel as if we have been robbed of something and essentially we have.  We woke up one day to have our image, our reflection stolen.  The face we have grown to know over the years is gone and the reflection we see is now that of a stranger.  We now either associate our image, or those around us do, to Popeye the Sailor Man, Sloth from the Goonies or the infamous Two-Face from Batman.  One person even told me I remind them of the scene from Mission Impossible involving Tom Cruise stabbing himself in the neck with a needle causing paralysis.  I take all of these comments in stride as I know people have to talk about the things that make them uncomfortable.  Truth be told though…it's tough!  I truly hope this doesn't last forever and that I'm not inflicted with any permanent disfigurement.  That same prayer goes out to others suffering this condition.  I know that not all of us will have our prayer answered and that breaks my heart.  In fact, it scares me to death.

As cruddy as this sounds...I think that we deserve a moment to waller in pity for ourselves.  Moments of strength usually come from moments of weakness.  It's easy for people to tell us to get over it, it's not terminal, it's not the end of the world.  That's easy for them to say when they are not coping with it.  So many things are easier said than done and this is just one of those things.  Yes, I do feel blessed that things aren't worse.  Yes, I do pray that I get better, get better fast and have no long lasting issues.  Yes, I do think it's okay to think both ways.  It's only natural. 

As for today's changes…I cannot tell if I'm trying to get movement back or if my mind is playing tricks on me.  So, I have to report no change as the pictures appear the same to me.  I start the first reduced dose of my Prednisone today.  The one thing that scares me about the Prednisone prescription I have is the fact that they gave me a significantly reduced strength due to my pregnancy.  This scares me because all of the research I have done indicates that the pills do not cross the placenta and that the same course of care is suggested for pregnant and non-pregnant cases.  Most importantly I am concerned about the baby…don't get me wrong.  It's just scary when you compare the statistics of those treated with Prednisone and those that aren't. Is this enough?  Blah, statistics, schmatistics.  

-Belle Story

Bell's Palsy - Day 5

(Originally written 03.31.12)

Last night I made the mistake of looking in the mirror with hopes, yet again, that all would be back to normal.  Obviously, it wasn't.  I got very emotional.  Which is to be expected, and I know that this entire experience can be paralleled with a roller coaster ride.  A really fast, bumpy, terrifying one!  My mother spent a little time visiting with me last night and I find myself battling between being the strong, independent woman I have been for so long and the blubbering, oh-woe-is me baby I feel compelled to act as right now.  I guess in dealing with all this I'm entitled even in the slightest to the latter.

All I did today was rest, rest and more rest.  Well, in between all that rest I did a lot of reading as well.  Suffering this condition as a pregnant woman leaves you wanting to do more to ensure your wellness.  This is where the whole "super foods" kick came in.  The main topic I was ravenous for today was in regard to prognosis for pregnant women.  It seems that a lot of the information readily online surrounds those that are not pregnant.  The scariest part is what I found.  Apparently, the prognosis for pregnant women is considerably worse.  Of course I perused many sites and the few I found with the information seem to be fairly consistent. Although, I cannot site exactly where all the statistics came from I think we all know I don't claim them as my own.  It seems that pregnant women only have about a 52% chance of a suitable recovery compared to 77-85% chance of suitable recovery in those that aren't pregnant.  In conjunction, the recovery is anticipated to be lengthier in pregnant women.  Ack!  Can we say, "What the heck!".  Absolutely, positively, terrifying to say the least. 

After learning this sad statistic I decided I'd start an unwavering journey to find positive recovery stories involving pregnant women.  That was rather fruitless, so I adjusted my strategy to find positive recovery stories period.  I could find only morsels of information gleaning that people had recovered.  By morsels I really mean little needles in a hay stack here and there from people who were not really "completely" recovered.  Even still I could not find any real photo documentation of peoples progress, specific lists of their signs and symptoms or changes to expect/not expect.  Yes, I want these things readily available to me despite the knowledge of the condition being so individualized.  I could easily be considered a glutton for punishment or an eager beaver in terms of learning about the condition and priming for battle.  

My conjecture in regard to the lack of information about Bell's Palsy recoveries/positive stories revolves around the idea of selective amnesia.  People don't want to revisit such a scary time in their lives.  They recover and simply want to forget about the fact that it happened altogether.  Pick up the pieces and move on.  It's no longer a priority to them…and understandably so.  What you can find is a plethora of cases involving those that never regained sensation, movement and/or control.  Why?  Well, who's online "googling" Bell's Palsy other than those afflicted with it?  It's usually either those newly diagnosed or the unlucky bunch that did not have satisfactory recovery.  Those of us looking for a glimmer of hope, answers and alternate methods to support recovery.  Those of us looking for a case that is remotely close to ours to enable a comparison of "journeys".  Which leads me to my next complaint:  it is virtually impossible to find a chronicle of photos documenting someone's condition.  You can, however, find pictures here and there.  Usually only one at initial onset.  I attribute this to the fact that, well, a lot of us suffering from Bell's Palsy want to hide.  It really makes you ponder how vain you really were when you begged someone to delete a photo of you because you a) appeared fat, b) had a pimple c) had a bad hair day.  Oh, how this condition humbles you!

My goal is to document this scary journey every step of the way.  I find my fingers shaking as I type this.  There is side of me that thinks - "Oh, Belle, you may be jinxing yourself to suffer this affliction forever by making such a promise."  I can't think that way though because I hope and pray for a complete and speedy recovery.  If I am so blessed to have one then I want to share that with others that need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  And, as much as I hate to say this - if I am so unlucky as to not recover - well, I guess I'll consider this a therapeutic exercise.  

Let's be serious - there is not a ounce of this condition that makes you feel glamorous.  You don't want to put on make-up because you simply want to rest, research, recover.  The idea of flecks of eyeshadow falling in your eye seems like a corneal hazard and eyeliner makes you feel as if you are drawing even more attention to your asymmetry.  

With all of that said, I'll provide a run down of what my symptoms have been to date and then I'll delineate what I've noticed in terms of change today.

1.  Auricular pain.  Well pain mainly below and behind the ear that seems to radiate along the insertion of the sternocleidomastoid muscle.  

2.  Dull, relentless headache.

3.  Excessive thirst.

4.  Dry eye.

5.  Chapped lips.

6.  Inability to raise or lower right eyebrow.

7.  Inability to close right eyelid completely.  Remains open by about 2-2.5mm while blinking and if I squint really hard it remains open by about 1mm.

8.  Inability to smile, frown, pucker, whistle, swish air to either cheek.

9.  Depression - let's be serious, it's a part of it.

10.  Inability to flair my right nostril.

11.  Tingling in the lip.  This occurred the day before the paralysis set in and slightly the day after it set in.

12.  I could see my cheek attempt to move immediately after paralysis set in.  Now I have no movement whatsoever.

13.  Droopy lower eyelid.

14.  Let's remember...I am in my third trimester of pregnancy.  Which made me 3.3 times more likely to suffer Bell's than the average woman.

15.  Nasal congestion, especially at night.

16.  "Sandpaper" eyelid.  This occurred when I didn't properly care for my eye initially because I failed to realize I wasn't closing my eye all the way.

17.  Difficulty speaking.  Particularly, the word "five".  B's, P's and F's.  

18.  Difficulty eating.  Small bites are a must and always keep napkins close!

19.  Reduced salivation.  

20.  Reduced taste on right side of mouth.  Didn't think so at first...but, yep.

21.  Facial Swelling - I only list this because my mother swears the "swelling" has gone down.  I never noticed a change.

22.  No facial wrinkling.  

23.  Sensitivity to light.  Likely due to the inability to close my eye.

24.  Pulsatile tinnitus.  That heartbeat, swishing sound in your ear.

25.  Major distortions of the face upon trying to eat, speak and/or make facial expressions.

26.  Chronic fatigue.

Today's changes: 

27.  Popping in the ears, similar to that experiences when changing elevation. 

28.  The entire right side of my face is tender to the touch.  It feels bruised for lack of a better way of putting it. 

29.  Emotional ups and downs!   

I believe I've already mentioned this in a previous post, but I'll say it again.  I do not recall any illness prior to the onset of Bell's Palsy.  The only thing I noticed was that generalized feeling of "blahness" and the ear pain.  I had no fever, no flu-like symptoms, no cold.  The only thing I can attribute to this is extreme ankle swelling that I was battling on Friday and Saturday.  I have a therapeutic bed and had my legs highly elevated to reduce the edema.  This makes me wonder if the fluid just traveled upward to the facial area aggravating the 7th cranial nerve.  I guess we will never know.  But, I hope that what ever the etiology the damage wasn't/isn't bad.  

-Belle Story

Bell's Palsy - Day 4

(Originally written 03.30.12)


Today was my second day back to work.  It was a tough day.  I've noticed that my jaw/ear area is a lot more painful after speaking for a while.  The catch 22 is it's hard not to speak when the condition requires an explanation.  Well to be fair to those around me I think it's best to offer a brief explanation.  Going in to work I was dreading this very part of my day and coping with the reactions of those around me.  The first day I attempted to return to work was the very day after my diagnosis.  It was emotionally taxing explaining to everyone while the wound was still so fresh.  One thing I can strongly suggest is take a few days to rest, strengthen yourself mentally and focus on learning about the condition and cling to any bit of positive reinforcement you can find.  Then try to return to work when you are better armed to handle the environment and situation.  

Truth be told there are some things you will need that you may take for granted.  I'd like to state in advance that I am not promoting these products in away nor am I offering any medical advice/recommendations.  I am merely stating what I have purchased and what has or hasn't worked for me.  1) Lubricating eye "gel" not drops - they dry out entirely too quickly.  I initially started out using Blink Gel Tears, but have found that Systane Gel Drops "Anytime Protection" works best for me thus far.  2)  3M Nexcare Opticlude eye patches to keep the afflicted eye shut during the night.  I made the mistake of taking this for granted once already and will not revisit the repercussions.  It is terribly uncomfortable to say the least.  Now, with the "eye boogers" the gel drops create I found myself wanting to don one of these patches during the day to shield others from the 'unglamorousness' of it all.  I quickly got over that once I realized that it just wasn't feasible.  Working behind a computer all day it made me feel as if I was going cock-eyed.  Not only did it increase the stress on my healthy eye it also decreased my peripherals and made me feel much less productive.  Needless to say, I didn't even consider one while driving.  What I did do while driving was make sure that the air vents weren't blowing anywhere near my eyes.  I found driving to be one of the more difficult tasks; in part because I think I blink less.   3) Johnson & Johnson non-stick pads and 3M micropore tape for use when the Nexcare Opticlude eye patch adhesive makes my skin tender.  Let me tell you,  the package for the Opticludes state they are gentle to the skin but with time some irritation does still occur.  The non-stick eye patches offer some relief to this.  4)  Refresh P.M. lubricant eye ointment for use while sleeping.  The gel drops just don't suffice in terms of keeping your eye lubricated for a good 5-8 hours while sleeping.  This lubricant felt a little odd at first because it has the viscosity and texture of vaseline.  The recommendation is that you place a strip in your lower eye lid; however, when I released my lid it all seemed to ooze up and out of the lid without coating much of the eye.  To remedy this I simply pull my upper eyelid away from the eye, pull it downward and gently massage the lubricant into the rest of the eye.  This makes everything blurry, but that is beside the point considering I'm about to put a patch on and retire for the night.  5)  A sturdy cup with a "straw" as you will likely be insatiably thirsty and drinking from a cup without a straw is, well, impossible.  6) Smith's lip balm to keep these terribly chapped lips under control.  This is one of the symptoms I noticed that seems to rarely be mentioned.  I'm not sure if the chapped lips derive from the feeling of severe dehydration or from mouth breathing at night as my nose seems to be extremely congested at night.  7) Super foods, the foods I've read about that help with reducing inflammation.  I won't go into detail here, but I will say I'm trying to do everything I can to beat this thing.  So, if it takes the consumption of a cup of blueberries a day I'll give it a good shot.  Items 1, 5, 6 and 7 are must-haves for work in my opinion.

I am blessed to say that the team at work is very supportive.  They are going to handle more of the "face-time" required tasks and the owner of the company stated that I can work from home as much as need be to aid in my recovery.  Thank the Lord!  He attempted to send me home early a few times because he could tell I wasn't feeling well.  Being the hardheaded individual I am I didn't heed his advise.  By the end of the work day I was absolutely exhausted.  Although I haven't had any changes in my facial demeanor I do feel as if I have overcome one obstacle today.  Facing those around me.  It's tough, but it can be done.  

-Belle Story

Bell's Palsy - Day 3

(Originally written 03.29.12)

I woke this morning to a matted right eye.  I'm not sure at this point if it's a developing infection or simply a build-up of the lubricating gel drops.  A warm wash cloth was a quick remedy.  Aside from that, I slept a little better throughout the night.  The only time my ear, or the area near the ear, bothered me was when I attempted to roll over and sleep on that side.  I know that this is only the third day into my condition, but there's a part of me that takes that first look in the mirror with hopes that all will be "normal" again.  I know there are tons of chronicles of the trials of this condition and not many that reflect full recovery for pregnant women with complete paralysis.  I hope to find some if any to lift my spirits a bit.  

I opened the Bible yesterday to see what I could find in regard to paralysis.  It seems the message I interpreted was one that indicates that we need not simply pray for God to cure our physical illness, but more so our spiritual illness.  Are we guilty of living a man-made life or a God-made life?  Do we place importance and value in people and our relationships or in material things and financial gain?  We aren't to take for granted the truly important things; because if we do the next thing that happens to us might be much worse.  I believe that God is trying to send me a message and has been for quite some time.  I have several extremely painful surgeries within the past couple of years and I still have not slowed down enough to enjoy the pleasures of life and the gifts of God.  I have placed such emphasis on career objectives and creating a sense of security for myself and the baby that I have literally placed all relationships to the wayside.  

Through the years I haven't slowed down enough to appreciate those around me.  I don't want to make false promises; however, I do realize I need to make a change.  I want to make a change and I'm going to try to make a change.  I'm continuing to pray for a complete and speedy recovery.  

-Bell Story

Bell's - Day 2

(Originally written 03/28/2012)

I am now 30 weeks pregnant with my first child.  I have been experiencing significant edema of the lower legs for approximately the past two weeks.  This past weekend we attended a barbecue with friends.  The previous day I had significant swelling; however, it was reduced after elevation for 12 hours.  I noticed as the day progressed on Saturday the swelling was returning.  By the latter part of the evening my toes looked like little sausages and I felt generally unwell.  We left the event early.  The following day I remained in bed with my legs elevated.  Again, I felt generally unwell.  I had a minor headache that I just couldn't shake and a slight feeling of nausea.  I also noticed some tingling intermittently in my upper lip and increased thirst.  As the day progressed I noticed a pain developing in and behind my right ear.    My appetite was reduced.  The ear pain worsened as time went on.  

The following morning I called my boss to inform him that I was going to schedule an appointment to see my primary care physician for ear drops as I suspected I had an ear infection.  I made the phone call at 9a and was scheduled for 2p.  Around 11am I woke from a nap to a feeling of terrible thirst.  After refilling my cup I attempted to take several drinks from my straw.  I could immediately tell my face was "not right".  I could feel it pulling to the left.  I thought to myself, "My face feels like it's not working".  I immediately went to my bathroom to look in the mirror to find that I was right.  I immediately text messaged my doctor to say,  "I have an appointment to see you for a possible ear infection at 2p; however, I just found out that half of my faced is paralyzed.  Should I call my OB or go to the ER?".  He told me to come on in to the office.  

It only took a few seconds of seeing me that he said, "You've got Bell's Palsy".  He went on to tell me that normally he would treat it with Prednisone and an anti-viral mediation, but due to my pregnancy there was really nothing we could do other than work on pain control.  He prescribed me Vicodin and assured me it wouldn't harm the baby.  He indicated that lack of sleep and eating would cause more harm to the baby than taking the medication.  I asked if I should be concerned of a stroke and he told me that was of no concern at all.  My reaction to all of this was laughter.  Not because I thought it was funny, but because it was my bodies emotional response.  I even told my doctor I must be one of the most interesting patients he has.  He laughed and said, "You're definitely up there."

Immediately after Bell's palsy diagnosis.
Note the paralysis hasn't completely set in.

The day after Bell's palsy diagnosis.
Note the paralysis has completely set in.

As the day went on it seemed as if the paralysis slightly worsened.  I only told those closest to me and my boss of course.  I didn't go in to work for the day.  Instead, I went home for some rest and applied hot packs to my right ear as it was causing quite a bit of discomfort.  I found myself going to the bathroom mirror over and over in hopes that it was just a brief issue.  I kept hoping that my reflection would smile back at me.  My face just wouldn't do what I would tell it to.  I didn't cry this day.  I think I was in shock more than anything.  I didn't sleep well as I didn't take the pain medication.  

I woke the next morning to prepare for work.  It was interesting applying make-up to a face that doesn't move.  I decided going sans my usual eye-liner would be best.  Not only because I was fearful of having to wash it off, but because I felt it might draw even more attention to my distortion.  Ha, it was immediately noticeable any how.  Especially, considering I'm a person that tends to smile quite frequently.  I didn't realize going in how exhausting it was going to be to have to explain my condition to everyone.  Not only that, but the pain that it would elicit behind my ear.  I think this had to do with all the talking and jaw movement.  I finally went in to discuss the issue with my boss.  He said, "Surely there is something they can give you to make it better sooner."  I explained that wasn't the case and I would just have to wait it out.  He actually laughed at me when he first saw me.  I don't blame him considering I laughed so much the previous day when telling him what was going on.  I'm sure his reaction was a lot like mine in terms of, "really…this is happening?!?"  As insensitive as that sounds he has been considerably understanding and assured me that I feel worse about this than anyone and that he wishes me a speedy recovery.  He has allowed me to take the next few days off of work; and let me tell you that time off is oh so needed.  

So, here I sit approximately 2 days after the initial onset of paralysis.  I get tired on a whim and take naps as my body sees fit. My right eye is bothering me more than I'd like to admit.  I'm praying I don't have a corneal abrasion or scratch.  I only thought I was closing my eye all the way the past day or so.  I wasn't…and unfortunately, my eye was not getting the lubrication it needed.  Hence the reason I feel like my eyelid is made of sandpaper.  Apparently, there are people that cannot close their eyelid or mouths at all.  I feel blessed to say the paralysis is not to that extent; however, I am still having trouble accepting my condition.  It's downright scary…no matter how you slice it.  I am absolutely terrified that I won't regain voluntary movement or that I'll forever be disfigured.  I keep trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be so vain and I should feel blessed that all is well with my baby.  I am and I do feel blessed…but, again…we're dealing with human emotion and fear.

I attempt to lift my eyebrows and only the left raises.  The right side of my forehead is completely void of wrinkles.  I try to smile and nothing moves on the right.  I cannot decide if I resemble Popeye, Sloth from the Goonies or Two Face from Batman more.  I know I shouldn't make such correlations, but it's too late.  I have to remind myself that all of which are famous and imaginary.  Nothing similar to me.  The pain is still evident; however, I have noticed some tingling in the right side of my bottom lip.  I hope that is a good sign.  I've been googling entirely more than I should.  I don't know if it's been more damaging than encouraging.  Eating is difficult, but I feel like I haven't lost any real sensation of taste.  Sounds aren't any louder than they were before, so I am hoping that is a good sign as well.  For now, I'm putting lubricating gel in my eyes regularly and trying to keep it covered with a patch or closed with tape.  I've researched "super foods" that help reduce inflammation and am trying to wrap my diet around those items.  Aside from that rest, rest and more rest seems to be on top of the agenda.

I pray that I have a complete and speedy recovery.  I can honestly say that I will no longer take for granted the ability to do simple things such as smile, eat and blink.  I'm only 2 days into this condition and I can tell you it has already humbled me greatly.  I also pray that I (or any of my loved ones) never, ever have to endure this again.  I'm trying so hard to remain positive, and I am ever blessed to have a boyfriend who will not leave without telling me how beautiful I am and a mother that continues to try to lift my spirit.  I don't want to be an emotional drain on them.  I do appreciate their efforts though.  I am without a doubt ready for this ordeal to be over and to have my life back.  I know life will never be what it was, but I want to be fully functional, free of deformity and a lot more understanding of others differences.  

I'm going to try to keep a daily journal so I can track my progress.  I know even the smallest things could have big meaning and I don't want to miss a thing.  Not just for me, but for others.  I'd like to post this and share my story.  I hope my story is a positive one that is one I can share with those that are newly diagnosed.  There aren't enough positive stories out there.  We fail to share the good, because we are so focused on moving on with our lives and forgetting the terrifying event.  There are people out there (like me right now) who could use positive and encouraging stories.  

-Belle Story

My Struggle with Bell's Palsy...

First things first…

I'm sorry you are suffering from Bell's palsy and I wish you a complete and speedy recovery!

You might be asking yourself why I'd start my blog with such a statement.  Well, chances are pretty good that if you are visiting my page you likely suffer the affliction or are writing a paper on the subject.  I say this because the masses seem to be oblivious to the fact that the condition even exists...even doctors don't know much about it.  

I'd like to state that this blog is strictly a journal of my personal feelings, opinions and experiences.  It should not be taken as medical advice as I am not a medical professional.  With that said, I hope you find hope, strength and support through the writings I share here.  Bell's palsy is a tough road to travel and it's nice to know you aren't going it alone.  

Many of the initial postings were written previously.  I promised myself closer to the time of onset that I would share my journey with others and have failed to do so up until this point.  Well, here I am making good on my word.  With no further ado…enjoy.

Me before Bell's palsy

Me with Bell's Palsy
(3rd trimester of pregnancy)

-Belle Story