(Originally written 05.09.12)
The verdict is in. This "straining" like sound I've been hearing upon attempting any type of facial movement and the feeling of "fullness" in my ear are, in fact, not a sign of recovery at all.
B - U - M - M - E - R!
Actually, massive BUMMER!!
Come to find out the muscles on the other side of my ear (the internal side) are likely paralyzed as well. Rendering them useless for draining fluid from the middle ear. Therefore, the feeling of fullness or feeling as if I have water in my ear is because I do have fluid in my middle ear. Ack! Frustration ensues.
The options are scarce. Pretty much wait and see - OR - wait and see. I guess that's really only one option. Why only one? Pregnancy. There isn't much they will do until after the baby is born. One month after the baby is born to be exact. So, if I do not get any signs of improvement in terms of this fluid buildup in my ear by then the only suggested course of care is the placement of a tube in my ear.
Yep, a tube in my ear.
During this same visit my doctor finally took the time (on his own accord) to grade my paralysis on the House-Brackmann scale. It broke my heart each time I heard him say, "yep, no movement", "none", "nothing". The biggest blow was when I heard him confirm what I already knew. "You're a VI". He also finally acknowledged the poor prognosis although it was as if he were walking on egg shells. I cannot blame him considering I likely looked as if I could burst into tears at any moment. He acknowledged the poor prognosis for pregnant individuals with Bell's and those with complete paralysis. Could someone pick my heart off the floor and help me glue it back together? Sometimes hearing what you already know isn't at all what you wanted even though you thought you did! Does that make sense?
Here I sit wondering, "What's next?" A fear comes over me for thinking that as these days it's almost like an open invitation for more to go wrong. I called my mother last night and unleashed an emotional breakdown of epic proportions. Bless her heart! I really don't know what I'd do without her. Sometimes you just have to vent; especially after 6 weeks of trying to remain sickeningly positive and having absolutely NO signs of improvement. My patience for those who say "Oh, you are looking better and better each time I see you" is becoming less and less. That bothers me because I've never been such a "Negative Nelly". It's just all the more discouraging when you hear that then you run home to take pictures/videos to compare with the onset photos and NOTHING has changed. Perhaps it is as my new friend, Heather, explained. Maybe, just maybe they are noticing me and not the "woe is me" attitude. Then I think to myself do I really come across as that positive, still? Everything at this point is a blur.
I wonder at times if deliverying the baby earlier would aid in recovery. Not that I would want to put her at risk at all, but I understandat 37 weeks they are considered to be fully developed. Then, I read...that the brain at 37 weeks is only 80% of the size it would be at 40 weeks and I automatically feel like selfish, cruddy parent for even humoring the idea.
I also find myself becoming overly paranoid about many other things as well. Particularly the well-being of my child. Thinking okay, that may be the case with the brain, but what if pre-eclampsia sets in. What about all these cases of still-born angel babies who mysteriously travel to the Lord instead of your arms. What about my Nutcracker syndrome causing a clot in the placenta and blocking blood flow and oxygen to my precious baby girl. What if?!? Why aren't my doctors concerned? Probably, because it is...paranoia. A feeling that is so hard to shake when it feels as if everything that could go wrong does. Darn Murphy's Law.
My ankles don't fully shrink to their normal size during the night anymore. Even with elevation. By 9:30a I have ankles that put a 500lb person's to shame. At the end of the day my toes look like vienna sausages just pulled from the can. My fingers feel tight and swollen. I don't wear rings now so the only way I can gauge is by the way my knuckles look and how they feel. Particularly when I try to curl them up into a fist.
I've felt blah lately. Unwell, but hard to pinpoint. Faint nausea and feeling as if my head is in the clouds all day. Concentration is harder than it's ever been. Every now and then I see these "golden gnats" as I like to call them. Sporatic at best. I get these odd pains in my abdomen - not like craps, which is what I'd suspect contractions to be like. That's not what I meant. I meant "cramps" - but, I'm leaving "craps" there for the sake of a good laugh! Who am I to say - this is my first pregnancy and again, I'm paranoid.
Again, I bring these concerns to my doctors attention and they don't seem to be concerned at all. They seem to base everything on blood pressure. Which it is important to note that if they actually read my record and my pre-pregnancy blood pressure notations they would know that it and my pulse have always been so low that it almost calls for meds to drive it up. Makes me a great markswoman and them not very observant.
Another thing that bothers me is the fact that my OB does not seem remotely concerned about my Nutcracker Syndrome and the vascular issues it causes. I KNOW she knows nothing about it seeing as how the condition is so incredibly rare. Should I not be considered high risk due to this alone? Not according to her...because well...I guess she just doesn't care enough to pick up a text book and read about it. I say that in all respect. I'm venting here and I feel that my concerns are just being written off as just another overly concerned pregnant woman.
To be frank, I'm tired of feeling like crap, getting nothing but bad news and being disregarded. it's frustrating!
I'm ready to be well again. I'm ready to have a fully functioning face. Enjoy this pregnancy and my baby. Enjoy life in general again.
Ugh.
-Belle Story
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